Jewish TDOR 2023
I, along with colleagues who wrote chapters about transgender Jewish lives in the recently published book, Liberating Gender for Jews and Allies: The Wisdom of Transkeit, were invited to be a part of the Jewish Trans Day of Remembrance commemoration. The gatherings I’ve been to in the past for Trans Day of Remembrance have been emotionally difficult.
This one was no different. In fact, this one was even more intense for me to be at. It was part of an afternoon (Ma’ariv) Jewish daily service for Aleph, the Jewish Renewal organization.
What is Transgender Day of Remembrance?
Transgender Day of Remembrance, as the organization GLAAD puts it, is an annual observance on November 20 that honors the memory of the transgender people whose lives were lost in acts of anti-transgender violence. (https://glaad.org/tdor/) Often anti-transgender violence consists of violence from the outside world against trans people. Historically, it has been notable that some do not include death by suicide in these numbers. I thought it was important to include a discussion about suicide in my contribution to the service.
A Gender Affirming Therapist’s Point of View
Below is an edited version of what I shared.
I’m a clinical psychologist who has dedicated their practice to centering trans and queer mental health, and have a specialty in working with Jewish trans and queer people.
When people ask why I dedicate my career to these populations, it’s not because there is something inherently wrong with us queers and trans people. It’s because we need spaces to be seen and heard. It’s also because death and pain are often present in our worlds (more so than many cisgender folks experience).
Of late, I have had many seemingly innocuous conversations that remind me how ingrained loss, grief, and death are part of our lives as trans, intersex, and/or enby (nonbinary) people and those who love us.
A few nights ago, I spoke with one of my best friends from high school. It had been a while since we caught up and we were talking about new and old friends. We started talking about how she had met a new friend at a friend’s funeral.
We started talking about her loss and I asked how she was coping. She replied something to the effect of, “If you are part of the wider trans community, you always know someone who has died by suicide, it’s how things are.”
At the time, I agreed with her. Later though, I felt tremendous sadness. I think it was hard for me to realize how commonplace talk of death is in my communities, in those I serve, and in those I live. It’s true. It’s not new that trans people die at a high rate, by violence perpetrated from the outside or the inside.
It’s horrendously sad that this happens and horribly so that it is not so shocking anymore. What I’ve noticed in recent years, though is that often people (or as I like to call them, clients to be) are seeking a place to heal from community deaths and or suicide attempts.
The Reality of High Rates of Trans Deaths
Trevor Project’s 2022 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health states that 14 percent of LGBTQ young people attempted suicide in the past year including nearly 1 in 5 transgender young people and 41 percent of LGBTQ young people seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year including half of trans and nonbinary young people.
There is a need to mourn those who are not with us and also to focus on those who are left. The mark that is left on the communities, the families, chosen and otherwise, that remain and remember their loved ones. How do we keep them alive and with hope for the future?
Whether it’s a person who sat with their friend and tried to keep them from dying by suicide or that they found them after an attempt and saved them, or were the ones who were struggling themselves and wishing they weren’t present for their own life but didn’t want to burden others with their pain, or be too much for another, or cause heartbreak for their loved ones so they stay alive, even though they continue to hurt.
How Gender Affirming Therapists Can Help
As gender-affirming therapists, we provide room for those who are suffering. We remember together who the person was or is. We make space together to feel what it’s like they are not here, not with us in body, but in memory.
I sit with the pain because that’s my job, my calling, but it is not why I picked this profession or this population.
It is because I remember how helpful my therapist was to me when I was coming out. She provided hope that I could be my full self - Jewish and trans and queer. I wanted to hold that hope for others too.
The Healing Power of Transgender - Affirming Therapy
In transgender - affirming therapy, there is room for all. And in our queer and trans and Jewish - affirming clinical space there is room for each person, their memories, their sadness, and their joy.
And I have seen how much possibility and hope there is when there is a place for everything and everyone.
Today, I remember Our Dead. I mourn and I remember. And I hope that as we mourn those who have died, we can together break the cycle of violence and let our trans kids and adults live long lives of hope and joy.
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