How EMDR Helps Process Trauma From Homophobia, Transphobia, and Family Rejection
I've been thinking about this blog for a while. As someone who provides EMDR therapy in San Diego, CA, and who is also queer, trans, enby, and Jewish, I know firsthand that some of the deepest pain my clients carry didn't come from a stranger. It came from a parent. A grandparent, or even a congregation. The people who were supposed to be safe.
That's the kind of trauma I want to talk about today.
The Wound That Keeps Wounding
Here's what I notice in my work with queer and trans clients. The trauma isn't always one big thing. It's a hundred small things that piled up over the years. It's the parent who went quiet after you came out. It's the parent who went quiet after you came out. A relative who still uses your deadname at Thanksgiving like it's no big deal. Your youth pastor who told you that who you are was a sin. Doctors who looked at you like you were a problem to be solved.
Each of those moments leaves a mark. And unlike a single incident, this kind of trauma is relational and repeated. It came from the people and places that were supposed to hold you.
That Makes It Stick Differently.
Your nervous system learned some things from all of that. Maybe you scan a room before you mention your partner. You brace a little when a new person asks about your family. There's a voice somewhere inside that still sounds a lot like someone who hurt you, telling you that you're too much, or not enough, or just plain wrong.
That voice isn't the truth. But it can feel like it is.
Okay, But What Is EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I know it sounds clinical, but bear with me.
When something traumatic happens, the brain sometimes can't finish processing it the way it normally would. The memory gets stuck. It stays activated, tender, and close to the surface, even years later. You might think you've moved on, and then something small happens and suddenly you're right back there.
EMDR uses bilateral stimulation, often eye movements or tapping, to help the brain go back and actually finish the job. The memory doesn't disappear, but it stops feeling like it's happening right now. It becomes something that happened, rather than something that is still happening to you.
I Love EMDR Therapy.
I've trained in it extensively, I go to EMDR conferences, I'm always learning more. And I want to be really clear: this is not just a modality for combat veterans or survivors of a single catastrophic event. It works beautifully for the kind of layered, relational, identity-based trauma that so many of my clients are carrying.
What EMDR Actually Does With This Stuff
When we do EMDR work together, we go toward the memories that are still stuck. We go toward the memories that are still stuck. The moment your mom said the thing she said. A slur someone used against you that you still hear sometimes. The day you realized your family wasn't going to come around, at least not anytime soon.
And wrapped around those memories are beliefs. Beliefs that got installed in you, often by people who had no business installing them. You are broken. You are wrong. It's not safe to be who you are. Love is something you have to earn by hiding.
EMDR Helps Your Brain Update Those Beliefs.
What happened was real. The pain was real. But it doesn't have to stay lodged in your body as the truth about who you are.
I also love bringing the body into this work. Trauma isn't just in the mind. It lives in a tight chest, a shallow breath, or a stomach that drops when someone misgenders you. Noticing where you're holding something and working with that somatically alongside the memory processing is something I find really powerful. It's one of the things I keep deepening my learning in.
About Family Rejection Specifically
I want to give this its own space because I think it deserves it.
Being rejected by your family for being queer or trans is a specific kind of grief. It's grief for the relationship you wanted and didn't get. It's grief for the relationship you wanted and didn't get. The parent who couldn't show up for you. Holidays that felt like holding your breath the whole time. A version of your family that existed in your imagination and maybe still does.
That Grief is Real.
It is allowed to exist, and it doesn't have to be rushed or resolved.
EMDR can help you move through that grief without it swallowing you. And healing doesn't always look like reconciliation. Sometimes it looks like finally being able to breathe around the subject. Other times it looks like letting your chosen family actually reach you, because you're not spending all your energy defending yourself from the old hurt.
Working With Me at Waves
If you are looking for an EMDR therapist who is also a queer, trans, enby person who genuinely gets it, I hope you'll consider reaching out. You won't have to explain your identity here. There's no convincing me that what happened to you was hard. I'm not going to accidentally misgender you or look confused when you mention your partners.
I'm a WPATH GEI SOC8 Certified Member. I've been doing this work for a long time and I care about it deeply. Not just professionally. Personally.
I see clients in person in San Diego and online anywhere in California. We do ask that in-person folks be vaccinated, please and thank you.
Start EMDR Therapy in San Diego, CA With Someone Who Gets It
I look forward to supporting my queer and trans clients through this work and I genuinely can't wait to see what's possible for you on the other side of it.
If you are a California resident, please reach out to me, Dr. Abi Weissman, to get started. I'm available for therapeutic services in person in San Diego and online throughout California.
Please reach out and schedule a free 15-minute consultation appointment with Waves Psych by following these simple steps:
Meet with Dr. Abi Weissman and learn if Waves can support you and your needs.
Start healing from the inside out!
About Our 15-Minute Free Consultation
Please note that this is not a first appointment, as you have not signed consent forms stating that we are your therapists and you, our clients. This consultation time is a way for you to ask any questions about how we work or who we are, and for us to see if we can be of help to you. If you decide to work with us and sign the consent forms allowing us to work with you, the next appointment will be our first official clinical appointment.
Other Services Offered With Waves, A Psych Co.
We at Waves are happy to support Californians with LGBTQI+ centered therapy services. We listen closely, and we don't shy away from the tough topics. We are kink and polyamory-affirming. We have appointments and can't wait to fill them with people interested in making their lives better, however that looks like for each person. We provide individualized care as each person has different needs. We have LGBTQI+ centered mental health care and provide EMDR, talk therapy, and somatic therapy (Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy). Our team of therapists also offers Grief Therapy, Couples and Chosen Family Therapy, Therapy for ADHD, Therapy for Students, and Transgender Support. We also offer Jewish Affirming Therapy, Deaf Culturally Affirming Therapy,Feminist Therapy, and Kink Therapy. Be sure to check out our FAQs and Blog for more about us and our services!
